All the while, she is still stuck in my mind and I know it might sound premature, but, ambition strikes me when the mood is right.
Waiting and waiting, my vision goes dark with a sense of longing and desire brought back to existence once my mind grows hazy. There lies understanding. There lies abilities of ones heart. But the sun strokes my eye lids and everything is different.
Brave Captain
You’re absolutely one of the most beautiful women in the world, but I cannot let you know. Damn your boyfriend.
This place is a mess and Im getting tired of minding my own business.
You bitches look retarded.
YES YOU
I don’t mind stealing bread from the mouth of decandence.
It’s about working hard. It’s about keeping your head on your shoulders. It’s about doing what is right. It’s about loving. It’s about having passion in what you do. We’ve been trained to steer clear of such.
She told me it’s over, it’s over, it’s over. I’m not as smart as I’d like to think, but I’m young.
I remember my first day of school. I came in late in the year and it was preschool. Yealey Elementary. My mom walked me down a long long hallway to the very end where we met a large lady and stood by her while other kids processed in. I noticed the were saying something about chocolate. She would ask them a question and the majority of them said something about chocolate. The last of the kids went in and then she asked me the question. What kind of milk did I want. I was flabbergasted. I didn’t know what at all she was talking about. So, following the lead, I said chocolate. Best decision ever. My mom hugged me goodbye and I could feel something was wrong with her, but I didn’t know what. I was only four or five, I couldn’t decipher emotions. She walked back down the hallway leaving me there with the woman who I had just met. I looked to her and she turned around and waved goodbye. From that moment on, there are flashes of clean up songs, songs about buses, feeling bad cos I was the only kid in my class with a turtleneck on(it had turtles on it. Awesome.) and many more days of deciding what kind of milk I wanted. I remember flashes of kindergarten, meeting and becoming best friends for someone for a year(we unknowingly reunited ten years later), feeling sorry for the kid in the AM class because he had broken his arm and Jeff Gordon shirts. I remember in that year watching my first football game and remembering it, my first birthday party with friends and being embarrassed of the “I love you” note that my mom would leave on my napkin. Splitting my lip open, riding the bus for the first time and making my first friend. First grade was odd. I rode the bus with my sister, went to school a full day and made a new best friend. My teacher was really nice and I remember her only ever being anything near negative once. From then until third grade there are flashes of liking a girl for the first time, fighting over a girl and really really hating someone for the first time. Third grade came and I befriended a new group of people who in hindsight weren’t really friends at all. I had the same teacher third and fourth grade, so those years kind of blend together. I quit football because my coaches were assholes and only played their sons, a new girl came, I liked her, the school was being renovated and during a gas leak, for some reason my friends and I started singing Nickelback on the front lawn. That was dumb. Fifth grade came, I got a part in the play, I went out with the aforementioned girl for two weeks, she dumped me for a friend(as I said, in hindsight, that kid was a douche), scored upwards of 28 points in a basketball game and on the last day, a long time friend of mine and I walked out of school at the same time. I haven’t been back. On my way to school this morning, I saw two charter buses pulling out of their parking lot on the way to their camp trip. I remember that. It kind of sucked. But it brought back a lot of memories. Sixth grade came and I had no friends. I made one, who is still my friend to this day and met my next girlfriend. I didn’t really know who she was, but she asked me out and I said why not. I began listening to underground music and my whole world changed. Alexisonfire, I met new girls, dated them, forgot about sports and started playing music. 7th grade. My first kiss, girls stalking me, weird hair, and absolutely no friends after my only friends switched schools. 8th grade, I started dating the girl from sixth grade again for months. I had STLP for the last two classes of the day so basically I’d roam and fuck around with my friends. Even weirder hair, The Fall of Troy, attempts at forming bands and incredibly unbelievable(yet people believed them) lies. 9th grade. I guess a reformation. Toned down the scene kid look and actually began to find who I was. I started new bands and finally found ways to express my self. My bestfriend went to school with me for a week and then once again switched. That year kind of sucked. I got fat and that was the last time I had a girlfriend. Sophomore year, I switched to the school my bestfriend went to and met the kid from kindergarten again. We didn’t know who we were for a few weeks. In a matter of months, I made 6 of the best friends I have ever had. I met a girl, she broke my heart, I got over it, met another girl the following summer, she broke my heart(you can find evidence of this if you go back a bit in my archive) and it took over a year to get over. Junior year is kind of a blur. I tried to forget about it. Like I said, it took a long long time to get over the girl from the summer and I thought about her on the daily, sometimes all day. I said some shitty things that summer and I acted really immature. I regret that everyday. But I don’t think she understood the toll it took on me. Looking back, what she did was justified, it was just how she felt, I should have respected it. But it was how she did it that made me feel so cruddy. So junior wasn’t much to remember. Summer in between junior and senior year, I went to Vegas, found some of my confidence, played my first show and seemed to fully get over the girl from before. Kind of. Senior year has flown by. It’s been a waiting game, really. I’ve done things I wanted to. I’ve kissed many pretty girls, played many shows, got paid for them and I’ve generally had a good time. But what is amazing is that it all ends in about twelve hours. All of this. I have been in school for fourteen years. So many people have gone in and out of my life. I haven’t been back to any of the schools I used to go to other than the one I went to freshman year to play a concert. I haven’t seen many of the people from public school and I honestly can’t remember much between now and seventh grade. It has all flown by. It doesn’t even feel like I’ll be graduating tomorrow. This is all insane. But I feel no different. Its been my dream for years to move to Chicago. I’m 90% sure that in four months, I’ll be there. Living in Grant Park. The most beautiful place in the midwest. That will be my home. I will start living. Tomorrow starts my life. I have been waiting for this moment for fourteen years. I guess its because I’ve kind of lived my life via my sister. She’s four years older than me, so I’ve experienced a lot of this before. Its just odd to think it’s all over. When I walk out of there tomorrow, I will look back and realize that I am still the same person that I was when I decided I wanted chocolate milk. When I made my first decision. I’m a small child about to enter one of the biggest eras of my life and I don’t understand what’s going on.
